saying goodbye

no matter how much time you give yourself to prepare, and you mentally psyche yourself for it - when the time comes, you have a lump in your throat.  all defense crumble and you become a total mess. in the last couple of years, twice i went through this phase....

once,when my sister was diagnosed with a terminal ailment. the limited time we had with her, i had to put up a brave front every time i saw her. i had to be strong for her, i had to be strong for the rest of the family. even when she passed on and during her wake, i kept the strong front. but on the actual day when i knew that she was being laid to rest, i lost it. but i wept silently, still putting up that brave front. i was sad, i was down but i didn't show it...but when i came home after the funeral, in the solace of my own home and in the arms of my husband, i let it all out. i cried for the many months that i held in it. my heart broke into a thousand pieces. it literally felt like someone took a stake and stabbed me through it. it felt horrible but i let myself grief and mourn the loss. the hubby was very understanding, he gave me the time i needed. he let me cry to my hearts content...time will heal they say. heal it did, but every now and then when i think of her, i shed a silent tear.

then came my daughter. we always knew she wanted to further her studies in another country. for years we told ourselves, there would come a time she would leave the nest to pursue her dreams. when she graduated from college, she gave us a whole year. when she left us last week to start a new chapter in her life, again i put up that brave strong front. at the airport when we waved her off, we made it quick and she kissed, hugged and said her goodbyes. the drive home was in silence. and again in the solace of my home, i became a total wreck again. the heart that was earlier broken into a thousand pieces that was being patched up again very slowly broke into a million pieces. it hurt so bad. the mere mention of her name made me cry buckets. passing her room and seeing her stuff still on her bed, meant more tears. the sudden impulse of wanting to call out for her wrecked me hopeless...

it's a little more than a week now. she has settled in, completed her orientation and has already begun her classes. a quick call, a short message is all it takes to put a smile on my face. i don't cry as much anymore but i still miss her terribly.

it never gets easy. time will heal.. again i'm told. i'm waiting....

while i was away

two years since my last post, well give and take a few months...the daughter graduated college and is embarking on a new adventure.

the daughter went to college and complete her a-levels  with satisfactory results. good enough to get her a place in sydney university. the journey however from her completing her college education right up to being accepted wasn't an easy one.

she is very determined and we have always trusted her to make her own informed decisions. she was taught to do her research, weigh the pros and cons before she decided on anything. based on facts on not pluck-from-the-sky or i-heard-someone-say basis.

initially we had decided on perth as we had friends who would have been more than glad to 'adopt' her. we made a trip to perth to take a look at the possible universities that she would want to enrol into. to cut a long story short, she initially applied to murdoch and university of western australia. she got accepted into both but she was more keen on murdoch. timing issues resulted her not being able to start mid-2014 so she applied for a deferment from uwa, to which they agreed.

but then she confided in me that she applied to uwa just to prove a point. see, during an open day at the college - she approached the uwa booth to inquire about applying for a place in the university for psychology. seems the spokesperson told her that the requirements were very high and kind of implied that the daughter was not good enough to get a place. just because she wanted to give herself the satisfaction, she applied and surprisingly, uwa was the first uni to accept her. she wished she had taken the lady's email or number just so she could go 'hah! in your face..'

and in her decision to defer her studies to march 2015, there were some disagreements between the daughter and the hubby. some not so nice words were exchanged and things got out of hand. i was caught in the middle and i had the final say on whether she should just accept uwa or go ahead to defer. torn between the two, i had to make a decision. one person would be happy and the other person, well not so...oh wow, no pressure really...

anyways, after a long spell of cold shoulder and non-verbal communications and a lot of animosity, i decided enough was enough. i sat both of them down and told them to resolve it for once and for all. anyways, the dad managed to come to terms about how determined the daughter can be and the daughter came to terms that the dad can be conservative but can listen to reason if you just talk to him in  a calm tone.

in her decision to defer, she asked for permission to apply to another three universities in sydney. we agreed that perhaps these universities were better albeit a bit more expensive. she did and got accepted into one of the premier unis in australia. then again she may have been wanting to secretly prove a point to her dad of her capabilities. regardless, we were very happy that she got accepted. and so damn proud of her.

and the preparation begins.....

my thoughts, my experiences

for a minute there, i thought this blog was already non-existent. probably gone missing in cyberspace. in a recent watsapp conversation with a friend where i was telling her on the latest happenings in my life - she asked why i had stopped blogging. i told her that i had run out of ideas. it's the age thing, life becomes uninteresting and routine after a while.

then she tells me, that i should blog about my experiences as a mother. although i do not profess to be a know-it-all about raising a child, she seems to think my advise and past experiences matters. i guess i should be flattered.

so anyways...it's now gonna be memoirs of a mother. to each their own, i say. if you find my way works, good for you and i am happy to share. if it doesn't well there was the disclaimer that i am no expert....

so i should start memoir-ing (no such word maybe??) soon....