saying goodbye

no matter how much time you give yourself to prepare, and you mentally psyche yourself for it - when the time comes, you have a lump in your throat.  all defense crumble and you become a total mess. in the last couple of years, twice i went through this phase....

once,when my sister was diagnosed with a terminal ailment. the limited time we had with her, i had to put up a brave front every time i saw her. i had to be strong for her, i had to be strong for the rest of the family. even when she passed on and during her wake, i kept the strong front. but on the actual day when i knew that she was being laid to rest, i lost it. but i wept silently, still putting up that brave front. i was sad, i was down but i didn't show it...but when i came home after the funeral, in the solace of my own home and in the arms of my husband, i let it all out. i cried for the many months that i held in it. my heart broke into a thousand pieces. it literally felt like someone took a stake and stabbed me through it. it felt horrible but i let myself grief and mourn the loss. the hubby was very understanding, he gave me the time i needed. he let me cry to my hearts content...time will heal they say. heal it did, but every now and then when i think of her, i shed a silent tear.

then came my daughter. we always knew she wanted to further her studies in another country. for years we told ourselves, there would come a time she would leave the nest to pursue her dreams. when she graduated from college, she gave us a whole year. when she left us last week to start a new chapter in her life, again i put up that brave strong front. at the airport when we waved her off, we made it quick and she kissed, hugged and said her goodbyes. the drive home was in silence. and again in the solace of my home, i became a total wreck again. the heart that was earlier broken into a thousand pieces that was being patched up again very slowly broke into a million pieces. it hurt so bad. the mere mention of her name made me cry buckets. passing her room and seeing her stuff still on her bed, meant more tears. the sudden impulse of wanting to call out for her wrecked me hopeless...

it's a little more than a week now. she has settled in, completed her orientation and has already begun her classes. a quick call, a short message is all it takes to put a smile on my face. i don't cry as much anymore but i still miss her terribly.

it never gets easy. time will heal.. again i'm told. i'm waiting....