i don't consider myself to be a strictly pious religious person. i try to pray when it is asked of me, i try to fulfil the tenets that has been set out in the religion although i must confess that i at times, falter. i don't profess to be the perfect person. i am charitable at times. i try to be empathic. key word. try.
but i have always believed that things in life happen for a reason. throw at me good or bad, i always try to search for the silver lining. it may not reveal itself at that point of time but be patient enough, it will. i have always known and been responsible for whatever decision i make that it will work out in the end.
i have always believed that god has us all set in the grand scheme of life. i have always asked for the worst scenario so that i can prepare myself better when faced with it.
but what i am going through now, my family is going through now is one tough challenge that has me starting to question my beliefs. i am stopping myself before i question 'why god? why the suffering?'
he gives us good, he gives us the bad. we take the good and praise the almighty. when it comes to the bad, we blame him. but i am not blaming him. i believe that this too is a piece in the grand scheme of life.
a family member has been diagnosed with cancer and underwent a surgery to try to remove the growth recently. the procedure was not a success. she lost a lot of blood in the process so the doctors had to stop immediately to save her from the possibility of death on the operating table.
it's obvious isn't it. we are waiting for the inevitable. how much time do we have? we don't know. days? weeks? months? years? we'll take what we are given. we knew this was coming and i tried very hard to prepare for it. but now when reality kicks in and it is finally time to swallow the bitter pill, i am finding it very difficult to swallow.
i am trying with all my might to put on a brave front when i see her. but when i see her crying in pain as the doctors are trying to find her vein for blood transfusion, i rush away to a place where she can't see me to tremble in tears. i promised that i wouldn't do that not in front of her but i am only human after all.
the only comfort now i find is in the power of prayer and total submission to god. am i mean when i say i pray that he ends this suffering now? please dear god, let not the suffering prolong. just take her away. i pray for the pain and suffering to go away. yet i want her for as long as i can. to make the most of whatever time i have left with her. i am also praying for a miracle. i am confused on how i want this puzzle to piece.
i am thankful for the rock in my life that is my husband. as i quietly let out my heartache and cry silently, he holds me close and just lets the tears flow. god only knows how my heart breaks every single minute i think of her and how i am trying to cry the pain away.
but i will remain strong, i will do all i can to make this one piece as beautiful as it can be in the grand scheme of thing called life. my sister's life. dear god, i surrender.....
