where do i begin...

it's day 3 since we put her in pcu. i have told her to leave it all in god's hands, to let him steer her journey. i have told her that i love her and that i am ready to let her go to the better place that is waiting for. i have told her that i want her to suffer no more and i am ready to say my final goodbye. it pains me to say it but say it i must....

but somehow she's holding something back. maybe she needs to hear my mom say that she too is ready to lose a child. no parent wants to bury their child. but god has decided such and so be it. qada & qadar as the muslims say. fate and faith....

so now the task of explaining to the mom has fallen on me. i am the youngest in the family of four but now i have been pushed involuntarily up to the front to make all the decisions and to do what is right for all. i've made decisions that some may disagree to but i know deep in my heart that all that i have decided i am putting my dying sister's interest at heart. i do this for her not for all of us. i cannot be selfish and they shouldn't be too. if this makes me the black sheep in the family, this makes me a bad person - so be it.

so how do i do this? how do i tell my mom that she has to let go of her eldest daughter so that her soul can be at peace. how do i tell my mom that she has to endure the torture of seeing her first borne is going back to her creator?

dear god, please give me the strength to do this....

i'm ready

it's almost a month now since we were given the news and it's been two weeks now since she's been home. she was doing all right up till last tuesday. she couldn't hold down any food. kept throwing up and has reduced to literally skin and bones.

it pains me to see her this way. she adamantly refuses to go back to the hospital for her own reasons. i have stopped begging her to. i have learnt to respect her wishes. but yesterday i insisted despite any protests that i think she may put up.

her body is failing her. her kidneys have failed yet again. do we want to intubate her and do a dialysis the doctors ask  us. no, we decided not to put her through the ordeal and pain anymore than she had already endured. it wouldn't save her life. it would just prolong the pain and suffering a little longer.

do we want them to be aggressive in their tests and administration in medical care. no, we declined politely. no more prodding, no more needles. enough of the agony of seeing her wince in pain every time they try to find a vein. she's left with nothing to poke the needles into anymore.

we opted for palliative care instead. whilst her body is failing her in stages and shutting down its functions, we have opted it to happen in the least amount of pain they can offer her and as comfortable as we can.

i love her with all my heart. it's hard for me. it's hard for the people who love and care for her. but i am ready to let her go. i am ready as i know she will be in a better place. i cry as i think about her and it hurts so bad that it has come to this.

but i must not be selfish in wanting to hold on to her. i must let go so that she suffers no more. yes, i am ready....