it's day 3 since we put her in pcu. i have told her to leave it all in god's hands, to let him steer her journey. i have told her that i love her and that i am ready to let her go to the better place that is waiting for. i have told her that i want her to suffer no more and i am ready to say my final goodbye. it pains me to say it but say it i must....
but somehow she's holding something back. maybe she needs to hear my mom say that she too is ready to lose a child. no parent wants to bury their child. but god has decided such and so be it. qada & qadar as the muslims say. fate and faith....
so now the task of explaining to the mom has fallen on me. i am the youngest in the family of four but now i have been pushed involuntarily up to the front to make all the decisions and to do what is right for all. i've made decisions that some may disagree to but i know deep in my heart that all that i have decided i am putting my dying sister's interest at heart. i do this for her not for all of us. i cannot be selfish and they shouldn't be too. if this makes me the black sheep in the family, this makes me a bad person - so be it.
so how do i do this? how do i tell my mom that she has to let go of her eldest daughter so that her soul can be at peace. how do i tell my mom that she has to endure the torture of seeing her first borne is going back to her creator?
dear god, please give me the strength to do this....
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