a friend wants parenting tips from me. kinda weird. makes it seem like i have walked the earth for an eternity and like the wise old woman sitting atop some mountain at peace and one with myself. which in reality is far from it. very very very distantly far....
but i have an eighteen year old going on nineteen and i seem to think that i have done a pretty decent job so far.
what's my secret? open communication with her. i speak to her as how i would want to be spoken to. no baby talk, no beating round the bush. very clear conversation, no hidden agenda. i told her that i have made a lot of mistakes and as much as i would like to turn back time to make it all seem roses and peaches, i can't and so i live with it. i learn not to make them again (or at least i try). and i tell her so that she doesn't make the same mistakes i did.
we as parents want to give her things we never had but there is only so much we can do. for what we cannot, we should not feel guilty and neither should she feel deprived. we feel blessed and grateful for what we have. and what we don't have, if we aim for it and achieve it kudos. if not, maybe it's not meant to be.
one mistake parents make is (well at least i think all parents do) is to hold the child's hand and not wanting to let go. sometimes we have to. it's hard yes. but we just have to. they need to feel how it hurts to fall, to cry, to feel pain, to feel disappointed. cruel you say? i say that's life. only by going through these experiences themselves, will they learn. but i am not saying to completely let go and not care. keep an eye on them, from afar. when push comes to shove, reel them in with a tug or a hard yank.
the child must be able to distinguish when to be able to pull a fast one and when the parent means business. one rule i have told my kid when she was young enough to understand:
- if i call you by your pet name it's all games and fun;
- if i call you by your given name, it's all fun no games
- if i call you by your first two name, you may be in trouble but it's still alright
- if i call you by your full name (given name and family name), you better get you ass here on the double
and she knows when she can play the fool with me and when i mean business. we allow a certain degree of freedom to make her choices but do not abuse that trust and freedom. we always tell her to think things through before making informed choices and to bear responsibility for whatever decisions she has made.
well, its a long way to go with her. and i only pray for strength and ability to do what i can for her, to do the best.
excuse me while i get back up to my meditation atop the mountain to be at one with the world and myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment