no matter how much time you give yourself to prepare, and you mentally psyche yourself for it - when the time comes, you have a lump in your throat. all defense crumble and you become a total mess. in the last couple of years, twice i went through this phase....
once,when my sister was diagnosed with a terminal ailment. the limited time we had with her, i had to put up a brave front every time i saw her. i had to be strong for her, i had to be strong for the rest of the family. even when she passed on and during her wake, i kept the strong front. but on the actual day when i knew that she was being laid to rest, i lost it. but i wept silently, still putting up that brave front. i was sad, i was down but i didn't show it...but when i came home after the funeral, in the solace of my own home and in the arms of my husband, i let it all out. i cried for the many months that i held in it. my heart broke into a thousand pieces. it literally felt like someone took a stake and stabbed me through it. it felt horrible but i let myself grief and mourn the loss. the hubby was very understanding, he gave me the time i needed. he let me cry to my hearts content...time will heal they say. heal it did, but every now and then when i think of her, i shed a silent tear.
then came my daughter. we always knew she wanted to further her studies in another country. for years we told ourselves, there would come a time she would leave the nest to pursue her dreams. when she graduated from college, she gave us a whole year. when she left us last week to start a new chapter in her life, again i put up that brave strong front. at the airport when we waved her off, we made it quick and she kissed, hugged and said her goodbyes. the drive home was in silence. and again in the solace of my home, i became a total wreck again. the heart that was earlier broken into a thousand pieces that was being patched up again very slowly broke into a million pieces. it hurt so bad. the mere mention of her name made me cry buckets. passing her room and seeing her stuff still on her bed, meant more tears. the sudden impulse of wanting to call out for her wrecked me hopeless...
it's a little more than a week now. she has settled in, completed her orientation and has already begun her classes. a quick call, a short message is all it takes to put a smile on my face. i don't cry as much anymore but i still miss her terribly.
it never gets easy. time will heal.. again i'm told. i'm waiting....
20150303
20150223
while i was away
two years since my last post, well give and take a few months...the daughter graduated college and is embarking on a new adventure.
the daughter went to college and complete her a-levels with satisfactory results. good enough to get her a place in sydney university. the journey however from her completing her college education right up to being accepted wasn't an easy one.
she is very determined and we have always trusted her to make her own informed decisions. she was taught to do her research, weigh the pros and cons before she decided on anything. based on facts on not pluck-from-the-sky or i-heard-someone-say basis.
initially we had decided on perth as we had friends who would have been more than glad to 'adopt' her. we made a trip to perth to take a look at the possible universities that she would want to enrol into. to cut a long story short, she initially applied to murdoch and university of western australia. she got accepted into both but she was more keen on murdoch. timing issues resulted her not being able to start mid-2014 so she applied for a deferment from uwa, to which they agreed.
but then she confided in me that she applied to uwa just to prove a point. see, during an open day at the college - she approached the uwa booth to inquire about applying for a place in the university for psychology. seems the spokesperson told her that the requirements were very high and kind of implied that the daughter was not good enough to get a place. just because she wanted to give herself the satisfaction, she applied and surprisingly, uwa was the first uni to accept her. she wished she had taken the lady's email or number just so she could go 'hah! in your face..'
and in her decision to defer her studies to march 2015, there were some disagreements between the daughter and the hubby. some not so nice words were exchanged and things got out of hand. i was caught in the middle and i had the final say on whether she should just accept uwa or go ahead to defer. torn between the two, i had to make a decision. one person would be happy and the other person, well not so...oh wow, no pressure really...
anyways, after a long spell of cold shoulder and non-verbal communications and a lot of animosity, i decided enough was enough. i sat both of them down and told them to resolve it for once and for all. anyways, the dad managed to come to terms about how determined the daughter can be and the daughter came to terms that the dad can be conservative but can listen to reason if you just talk to him in a calm tone.
in her decision to defer, she asked for permission to apply to another three universities in sydney. we agreed that perhaps these universities were better albeit a bit more expensive. she did and got accepted into one of the premier unis in australia. then again she may have been wanting to secretly prove a point to her dad of her capabilities. regardless, we were very happy that she got accepted. and so damn proud of her.
and the preparation begins.....
the daughter went to college and complete her a-levels with satisfactory results. good enough to get her a place in sydney university. the journey however from her completing her college education right up to being accepted wasn't an easy one.
she is very determined and we have always trusted her to make her own informed decisions. she was taught to do her research, weigh the pros and cons before she decided on anything. based on facts on not pluck-from-the-sky or i-heard-someone-say basis.
initially we had decided on perth as we had friends who would have been more than glad to 'adopt' her. we made a trip to perth to take a look at the possible universities that she would want to enrol into. to cut a long story short, she initially applied to murdoch and university of western australia. she got accepted into both but she was more keen on murdoch. timing issues resulted her not being able to start mid-2014 so she applied for a deferment from uwa, to which they agreed.
but then she confided in me that she applied to uwa just to prove a point. see, during an open day at the college - she approached the uwa booth to inquire about applying for a place in the university for psychology. seems the spokesperson told her that the requirements were very high and kind of implied that the daughter was not good enough to get a place. just because she wanted to give herself the satisfaction, she applied and surprisingly, uwa was the first uni to accept her. she wished she had taken the lady's email or number just so she could go 'hah! in your face..'
and in her decision to defer her studies to march 2015, there were some disagreements between the daughter and the hubby. some not so nice words were exchanged and things got out of hand. i was caught in the middle and i had the final say on whether she should just accept uwa or go ahead to defer. torn between the two, i had to make a decision. one person would be happy and the other person, well not so...oh wow, no pressure really...
anyways, after a long spell of cold shoulder and non-verbal communications and a lot of animosity, i decided enough was enough. i sat both of them down and told them to resolve it for once and for all. anyways, the dad managed to come to terms about how determined the daughter can be and the daughter came to terms that the dad can be conservative but can listen to reason if you just talk to him in a calm tone.
in her decision to defer, she asked for permission to apply to another three universities in sydney. we agreed that perhaps these universities were better albeit a bit more expensive. she did and got accepted into one of the premier unis in australia. then again she may have been wanting to secretly prove a point to her dad of her capabilities. regardless, we were very happy that she got accepted. and so damn proud of her.
and the preparation begins.....
my thoughts, my experiences
for a minute there, i thought this blog was already non-existent. probably gone missing in cyberspace. in a recent watsapp conversation with a friend where i was telling her on the latest happenings in my life - she asked why i had stopped blogging. i told her that i had run out of ideas. it's the age thing, life becomes uninteresting and routine after a while.
then she tells me, that i should blog about my experiences as a mother. although i do not profess to be a know-it-all about raising a child, she seems to think my advise and past experiences matters. i guess i should be flattered.
so anyways...it's now gonna be memoirs of a mother. to each their own, i say. if you find my way works, good for you and i am happy to share. if it doesn't well there was the disclaimer that i am no expert....
so i should start memoir-ing (no such word maybe??) soon....
then she tells me, that i should blog about my experiences as a mother. although i do not profess to be a know-it-all about raising a child, she seems to think my advise and past experiences matters. i guess i should be flattered.
so anyways...it's now gonna be memoirs of a mother. to each their own, i say. if you find my way works, good for you and i am happy to share. if it doesn't well there was the disclaimer that i am no expert....
so i should start memoir-ing (no such word maybe??) soon....
20131101
adieu ma sœur chérie
she has left us. on the twenty ninth day of october at five fifteen in the evening, she breathed her last. god was merciful enough to make her final breath quick. she's in a better place now. where she can suffer no more, feel pain no more, groan in agony no more.
the funeral was the next day. we decided to cremate and bury the ashes in the grave where my late dad was laid to rest. the burial of the urn which holds her ashes will be done next weekend. it will be another heartbreaking moment as we lay her to rest finally.
it was a roller coaster emotional journey. from the time we found out about her condition till the very moment we said our final goodbyes to her physical being. we sat by her as she lay unconscious. we stood by her as she winced in pain as the doctors prodded and poked her. helpless, deep down we could only cry. putting up a brave front in her presence, all guards were let down and the tears flowed when we were alone. we cried for being helpless, we cried for her pain. if only there was something we could do....if only...remains...
i was asked to do the eulogy. what do i say? will i be overcome by grief and emotions...this was my tribute to her...
someone once told me 'cancer gives us time'. how much time, no one knows exactly. what we choose to do or not do, who's to say and judge. irene chose to fight and fight she did. from outside peeking into the window of her life, i now know how very strong she was. the medical procedures, enduring it and living it; she persevered. she never gave up till she breathed her last. i have always known her to be quiet, gentle, submissive but beneath all that, deep down was a fighter. and i thank her for putting up a fight. i thank her for all that she has done, for all that she has sacrificed. i thank her for fighting to give us the time we needed. it wasn't an easy journey for the family. but she brought out the best in us. we stood by one another, putting aside our differences; and did it all for her. because we love her. we love her as a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, a friend. whatever we did, we did it for her. and on behalf of her and my family, i can only express my heartfelt gratitude to all who have helped us. yes, i shed a silent tear for the fact that i have lost a beloved sister. but i rejoice in the knowledge that god loves her more and has taken her back to his fold.
this day, as i sit here looking up to the sky
i ask myself why
how you have suffered for so long
until the moment you went home to where you belong
i have cried and prayed for this day to come
so that it would get over and be done
the memories of us, i will always cherish
you fought every day, you fought every night
you left this world with dignity and grace
forever in our hearts, you will have a huge place
i miss you che (sister), i love you will all my heart
your pain and suffering is no more
you are now resting in peace
the heart aches, the tears flow
it's hard to do but we must let go
thank you god for you love her so
the pain the suffering, she feels no more
i thank god for the wonderful gift he had given us in her. i thank god for all the times we had with her, good and bad. i thank god for allowing me, gifting me the time, patience and the strength to walk with her this journey. i thank god for all the support and help given to us by friends and family. i thank god for my wonderful sister roseline who gave her all unselfishly to care my dying sister. despite all the shortcomings, despite all the dysfunction - i praise and thank god.
they say time will heal....it will. someday. but now, i am missing her. terribly. the grieving process. it sucks. it feels like shit. the emptiness. but we must allow ourselves this. the moment to mourn her passing. that we have lost someone so dear to us.
she will be loved. for now and always till kingdom come. rest in peace and goodbye my darling sister...
the funeral was the next day. we decided to cremate and bury the ashes in the grave where my late dad was laid to rest. the burial of the urn which holds her ashes will be done next weekend. it will be another heartbreaking moment as we lay her to rest finally.
it was a roller coaster emotional journey. from the time we found out about her condition till the very moment we said our final goodbyes to her physical being. we sat by her as she lay unconscious. we stood by her as she winced in pain as the doctors prodded and poked her. helpless, deep down we could only cry. putting up a brave front in her presence, all guards were let down and the tears flowed when we were alone. we cried for being helpless, we cried for her pain. if only there was something we could do....if only...remains...
i was asked to do the eulogy. what do i say? will i be overcome by grief and emotions...this was my tribute to her...
someone once told me 'cancer gives us time'. how much time, no one knows exactly. what we choose to do or not do, who's to say and judge. irene chose to fight and fight she did. from outside peeking into the window of her life, i now know how very strong she was. the medical procedures, enduring it and living it; she persevered. she never gave up till she breathed her last. i have always known her to be quiet, gentle, submissive but beneath all that, deep down was a fighter. and i thank her for putting up a fight. i thank her for all that she has done, for all that she has sacrificed. i thank her for fighting to give us the time we needed. it wasn't an easy journey for the family. but she brought out the best in us. we stood by one another, putting aside our differences; and did it all for her. because we love her. we love her as a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, a friend. whatever we did, we did it for her. and on behalf of her and my family, i can only express my heartfelt gratitude to all who have helped us. yes, i shed a silent tear for the fact that i have lost a beloved sister. but i rejoice in the knowledge that god loves her more and has taken her back to his fold.
this day, as i sit here looking up to the sky
i ask myself why
how you have suffered for so long
until the moment you went home to where you belong
i have cried and prayed for this day to come
so that it would get over and be done
the memories of us, i will always cherish
you fought every day, you fought every night
you left this world with dignity and grace
forever in our hearts, you will have a huge place
i miss you che (sister), i love you will all my heart
your pain and suffering is no more
you are now resting in peace
the heart aches, the tears flow
it's hard to do but we must let go
thank you god for you love her so
the pain the suffering, she feels no more
i thank god for the wonderful gift he had given us in her. i thank god for all the times we had with her, good and bad. i thank god for allowing me, gifting me the time, patience and the strength to walk with her this journey. i thank god for all the support and help given to us by friends and family. i thank god for my wonderful sister roseline who gave her all unselfishly to care my dying sister. despite all the shortcomings, despite all the dysfunction - i praise and thank god.
they say time will heal....it will. someday. but now, i am missing her. terribly. the grieving process. it sucks. it feels like shit. the emptiness. but we must allow ourselves this. the moment to mourn her passing. that we have lost someone so dear to us.
she will be loved. for now and always till kingdom come. rest in peace and goodbye my darling sister...
20130925
where do i begin...
it's day 3 since we put her in pcu. i have told her to leave it all in god's hands, to let him steer her journey. i have told her that i love her and that i am ready to let her go to the better place that is waiting for. i have told her that i want her to suffer no more and i am ready to say my final goodbye. it pains me to say it but say it i must....
but somehow she's holding something back. maybe she needs to hear my mom say that she too is ready to lose a child. no parent wants to bury their child. but god has decided such and so be it. qada & qadar as the muslims say. fate and faith....
so now the task of explaining to the mom has fallen on me. i am the youngest in the family of four but now i have been pushed involuntarily up to the front to make all the decisions and to do what is right for all. i've made decisions that some may disagree to but i know deep in my heart that all that i have decided i am putting my dying sister's interest at heart. i do this for her not for all of us. i cannot be selfish and they shouldn't be too. if this makes me the black sheep in the family, this makes me a bad person - so be it.
so how do i do this? how do i tell my mom that she has to let go of her eldest daughter so that her soul can be at peace. how do i tell my mom that she has to endure the torture of seeing her first borne is going back to her creator?
dear god, please give me the strength to do this....
but somehow she's holding something back. maybe she needs to hear my mom say that she too is ready to lose a child. no parent wants to bury their child. but god has decided such and so be it. qada & qadar as the muslims say. fate and faith....
so now the task of explaining to the mom has fallen on me. i am the youngest in the family of four but now i have been pushed involuntarily up to the front to make all the decisions and to do what is right for all. i've made decisions that some may disagree to but i know deep in my heart that all that i have decided i am putting my dying sister's interest at heart. i do this for her not for all of us. i cannot be selfish and they shouldn't be too. if this makes me the black sheep in the family, this makes me a bad person - so be it.
so how do i do this? how do i tell my mom that she has to let go of her eldest daughter so that her soul can be at peace. how do i tell my mom that she has to endure the torture of seeing her first borne is going back to her creator?
dear god, please give me the strength to do this....
20130924
i'm ready
it's almost a month now since we were given the news and it's been two weeks now since she's been home. she was doing all right up till last tuesday. she couldn't hold down any food. kept throwing up and has reduced to literally skin and bones.
it pains me to see her this way. she adamantly refuses to go back to the hospital for her own reasons. i have stopped begging her to. i have learnt to respect her wishes. but yesterday i insisted despite any protests that i think she may put up.
her body is failing her. her kidneys have failed yet again. do we want to intubate her and do a dialysis the doctors ask us. no, we decided not to put her through the ordeal and pain anymore than she had already endured. it wouldn't save her life. it would just prolong the pain and suffering a little longer.
do we want them to be aggressive in their tests and administration in medical care. no, we declined politely. no more prodding, no more needles. enough of the agony of seeing her wince in pain every time they try to find a vein. she's left with nothing to poke the needles into anymore.
we opted for palliative care instead. whilst her body is failing her in stages and shutting down its functions, we have opted it to happen in the least amount of pain they can offer her and as comfortable as we can.
i love her with all my heart. it's hard for me. it's hard for the people who love and care for her. but i am ready to let her go. i am ready as i know she will be in a better place. i cry as i think about her and it hurts so bad that it has come to this.
but i must not be selfish in wanting to hold on to her. i must let go so that she suffers no more. yes, i am ready....
it pains me to see her this way. she adamantly refuses to go back to the hospital for her own reasons. i have stopped begging her to. i have learnt to respect her wishes. but yesterday i insisted despite any protests that i think she may put up.
her body is failing her. her kidneys have failed yet again. do we want to intubate her and do a dialysis the doctors ask us. no, we decided not to put her through the ordeal and pain anymore than she had already endured. it wouldn't save her life. it would just prolong the pain and suffering a little longer.
do we want them to be aggressive in their tests and administration in medical care. no, we declined politely. no more prodding, no more needles. enough of the agony of seeing her wince in pain every time they try to find a vein. she's left with nothing to poke the needles into anymore.
we opted for palliative care instead. whilst her body is failing her in stages and shutting down its functions, we have opted it to happen in the least amount of pain they can offer her and as comfortable as we can.
i love her with all my heart. it's hard for me. it's hard for the people who love and care for her. but i am ready to let her go. i am ready as i know she will be in a better place. i cry as i think about her and it hurts so bad that it has come to this.
but i must not be selfish in wanting to hold on to her. i must let go so that she suffers no more. yes, i am ready....
20130829
the grand scheme of thing called life
i don't consider myself to be a strictly pious religious person. i try to pray when it is asked of me, i try to fulfil the tenets that has been set out in the religion although i must confess that i at times, falter. i don't profess to be the perfect person. i am charitable at times. i try to be empathic. key word. try.
but i have always believed that things in life happen for a reason. throw at me good or bad, i always try to search for the silver lining. it may not reveal itself at that point of time but be patient enough, it will. i have always known and been responsible for whatever decision i make that it will work out in the end.
i have always believed that god has us all set in the grand scheme of life. i have always asked for the worst scenario so that i can prepare myself better when faced with it.
but what i am going through now, my family is going through now is one tough challenge that has me starting to question my beliefs. i am stopping myself before i question 'why god? why the suffering?'
he gives us good, he gives us the bad. we take the good and praise the almighty. when it comes to the bad, we blame him. but i am not blaming him. i believe that this too is a piece in the grand scheme of life.
a family member has been diagnosed with cancer and underwent a surgery to try to remove the growth recently. the procedure was not a success. she lost a lot of blood in the process so the doctors had to stop immediately to save her from the possibility of death on the operating table.
it's obvious isn't it. we are waiting for the inevitable. how much time do we have? we don't know. days? weeks? months? years? we'll take what we are given. we knew this was coming and i tried very hard to prepare for it. but now when reality kicks in and it is finally time to swallow the bitter pill, i am finding it very difficult to swallow.
i am trying with all my might to put on a brave front when i see her. but when i see her crying in pain as the doctors are trying to find her vein for blood transfusion, i rush away to a place where she can't see me to tremble in tears. i promised that i wouldn't do that not in front of her but i am only human after all.
the only comfort now i find is in the power of prayer and total submission to god. am i mean when i say i pray that he ends this suffering now? please dear god, let not the suffering prolong. just take her away. i pray for the pain and suffering to go away. yet i want her for as long as i can. to make the most of whatever time i have left with her. i am also praying for a miracle. i am confused on how i want this puzzle to piece.
i am thankful for the rock in my life that is my husband. as i quietly let out my heartache and cry silently, he holds me close and just lets the tears flow. god only knows how my heart breaks every single minute i think of her and how i am trying to cry the pain away.
but i will remain strong, i will do all i can to make this one piece as beautiful as it can be in the grand scheme of thing called life. my sister's life. dear god, i surrender.....
but i have always believed that things in life happen for a reason. throw at me good or bad, i always try to search for the silver lining. it may not reveal itself at that point of time but be patient enough, it will. i have always known and been responsible for whatever decision i make that it will work out in the end.
i have always believed that god has us all set in the grand scheme of life. i have always asked for the worst scenario so that i can prepare myself better when faced with it.
but what i am going through now, my family is going through now is one tough challenge that has me starting to question my beliefs. i am stopping myself before i question 'why god? why the suffering?'
he gives us good, he gives us the bad. we take the good and praise the almighty. when it comes to the bad, we blame him. but i am not blaming him. i believe that this too is a piece in the grand scheme of life.
a family member has been diagnosed with cancer and underwent a surgery to try to remove the growth recently. the procedure was not a success. she lost a lot of blood in the process so the doctors had to stop immediately to save her from the possibility of death on the operating table.
it's obvious isn't it. we are waiting for the inevitable. how much time do we have? we don't know. days? weeks? months? years? we'll take what we are given. we knew this was coming and i tried very hard to prepare for it. but now when reality kicks in and it is finally time to swallow the bitter pill, i am finding it very difficult to swallow.
i am trying with all my might to put on a brave front when i see her. but when i see her crying in pain as the doctors are trying to find her vein for blood transfusion, i rush away to a place where she can't see me to tremble in tears. i promised that i wouldn't do that not in front of her but i am only human after all.
the only comfort now i find is in the power of prayer and total submission to god. am i mean when i say i pray that he ends this suffering now? please dear god, let not the suffering prolong. just take her away. i pray for the pain and suffering to go away. yet i want her for as long as i can. to make the most of whatever time i have left with her. i am also praying for a miracle. i am confused on how i want this puzzle to piece.
i am thankful for the rock in my life that is my husband. as i quietly let out my heartache and cry silently, he holds me close and just lets the tears flow. god only knows how my heart breaks every single minute i think of her and how i am trying to cry the pain away.
but i will remain strong, i will do all i can to make this one piece as beautiful as it can be in the grand scheme of thing called life. my sister's life. dear god, i surrender.....
20121031
the truth about friendship
i never believed in this bff stuff - best friends forever. can any two persons remain best friends forever? unless forever means a couple of years or when times are good. so i'll just stick with good or dear friends, thank you very much.
see there are three ladies who have been friends for quite a while. there's me and the other two, we'll just call them a & b.
a & b have this 'weird' relationship. why weird? i don't know i suppose cos a finds it absolutely necessary to call or email b almost everyday to talk about stuff. family, work, kids, stuff. b is accommodating enough to listen to a. oh such patience. and they can argue about the silliest things. now a and i are also friends but she doesn't call me like how she does b. as a matter of fact, i haven't spoken to her in a very long long time. and if she does call me like how she does b and tells me every single detail of what she's eating or doing, i may probably tell her to eff off. do i really need to know all the irrelevant stuff
now b & i have a whole different level of friendship. we don't call each other every day. actually we only chat via gtalk. we don't have to spill out all the details, yet we know what the other means. i suppose we are on the same wave-length.
i have had friends who claim to be my bff but now have disappeared. i mean yeah they are still my friend on facebook and i get the occasional invite for the kids' birthday do or raya, but that's about it. so simply put, i really don't need friends like that. let's just leave them as sunshine friends.
i have only but few friends whom i hold very dear to me. to them, they just need to know that i am always here for them if they need me. i don't need to be expressing my undying 'bff-ness' to them. i have been told that i am brutally honest. so i tell them, as a friend and one who cares for you, i will tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear. if you tell me you want my opinion, i will give it and it is entirely up to you to accept or otherwise. if you tell me you just need an ear, i will just listen and keep my mouth shut. not very complicated. and of my friends, i suppose i would expect the same
see there are three ladies who have been friends for quite a while. there's me and the other two, we'll just call them a & b.
a & b have this 'weird' relationship. why weird? i don't know i suppose cos a finds it absolutely necessary to call or email b almost everyday to talk about stuff. family, work, kids, stuff. b is accommodating enough to listen to a. oh such patience. and they can argue about the silliest things. now a and i are also friends but she doesn't call me like how she does b. as a matter of fact, i haven't spoken to her in a very long long time. and if she does call me like how she does b and tells me every single detail of what she's eating or doing, i may probably tell her to eff off. do i really need to know all the irrelevant stuff
now b & i have a whole different level of friendship. we don't call each other every day. actually we only chat via gtalk. we don't have to spill out all the details, yet we know what the other means. i suppose we are on the same wave-length.
i have had friends who claim to be my bff but now have disappeared. i mean yeah they are still my friend on facebook and i get the occasional invite for the kids' birthday do or raya, but that's about it. so simply put, i really don't need friends like that. let's just leave them as sunshine friends.
i have only but few friends whom i hold very dear to me. to them, they just need to know that i am always here for them if they need me. i don't need to be expressing my undying 'bff-ness' to them. i have been told that i am brutally honest. so i tell them, as a friend and one who cares for you, i will tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear. if you tell me you want my opinion, i will give it and it is entirely up to you to accept or otherwise. if you tell me you just need an ear, i will just listen and keep my mouth shut. not very complicated. and of my friends, i suppose i would expect the same
20121029
thank you for the music
over the weekend, the daughter participated in her music school's music party. it's a bi-annual event that the music school organizes to showcase the talents of their teachers and students.
this is the first time the daughter is participating. naturally, we were very eager to go watch her perform. as much as i wanted to watch her beat away at the drums, it was not her turn yet. so she ended up singing two songs.
it was really nice to see the kids of all ages, colors, nationalities and sizes singing their little hearts out. never mind they forgot the lyrics, or went off key or that they couldn't keep up with the tempo. they didn't care and neither did we. they had us clapping, singing, dancing along and cheering them on. and of course ooh-ing and ahh-ing at their cuteness. a couple of them maybe about seven or eight years old strumming or plucking away at the electric guitar. so much so that the guitar was as tall as them and them cuties had to sit and strum away. one held on to the chord for dear life the minute the straps were placed on her shoulder.
what was more important was they had a heck lot of fun, doing the shuffle, jumping away and not having a care in this world. the teachers were dancing with the students, the students were laughing at the teachers' antics. it was nice to see camaraderie between them. they even did the gangnam style dance and couldn't care less that the stage was overcrowded and was on the verge of collapse if they gangnam-ed any longer.
i have always said this to the daughter every time i drop her off be it at school, tuition, meeting up with her friends, work or music classes - have fun!! it is important that they learn to enjoy what they do and receive our support (morally, financially or however we can extend them). i have always been the number one supporter when the daughter wants to try something (not dangerous of course). learn the guitar? check and quit (maybe she'll re-learn it who knows). learn the drums? check. learn the piano? check
so because they see this as an opportunity to have fun with their friends and teachers, they are brave to go up there and do what they love doing. and through this, they can spread cheer; as i am asking the daughter and her friends to provide entertainment at a year end party at a charity event for some orphans.
meanwhile, here's a video of the daughter and her friend having fun...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=LlSDmigzrjg
this is the first time the daughter is participating. naturally, we were very eager to go watch her perform. as much as i wanted to watch her beat away at the drums, it was not her turn yet. so she ended up singing two songs.
it was really nice to see the kids of all ages, colors, nationalities and sizes singing their little hearts out. never mind they forgot the lyrics, or went off key or that they couldn't keep up with the tempo. they didn't care and neither did we. they had us clapping, singing, dancing along and cheering them on. and of course ooh-ing and ahh-ing at their cuteness. a couple of them maybe about seven or eight years old strumming or plucking away at the electric guitar. so much so that the guitar was as tall as them and them cuties had to sit and strum away. one held on to the chord for dear life the minute the straps were placed on her shoulder.
what was more important was they had a heck lot of fun, doing the shuffle, jumping away and not having a care in this world. the teachers were dancing with the students, the students were laughing at the teachers' antics. it was nice to see camaraderie between them. they even did the gangnam style dance and couldn't care less that the stage was overcrowded and was on the verge of collapse if they gangnam-ed any longer.
i have always said this to the daughter every time i drop her off be it at school, tuition, meeting up with her friends, work or music classes - have fun!! it is important that they learn to enjoy what they do and receive our support (morally, financially or however we can extend them). i have always been the number one supporter when the daughter wants to try something (not dangerous of course). learn the guitar? check and quit (maybe she'll re-learn it who knows). learn the drums? check. learn the piano? check
so because they see this as an opportunity to have fun with their friends and teachers, they are brave to go up there and do what they love doing. and through this, they can spread cheer; as i am asking the daughter and her friends to provide entertainment at a year end party at a charity event for some orphans.
meanwhile, here's a video of the daughter and her friend having fun...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=LlSDmigzrjg
20121025
parenting for dummies
a friend wants parenting tips from me. kinda weird. makes it seem like i have walked the earth for an eternity and like the wise old woman sitting atop some mountain at peace and one with myself. which in reality is far from it. very very very distantly far....
but i have an eighteen year old going on nineteen and i seem to think that i have done a pretty decent job so far.
what's my secret? open communication with her. i speak to her as how i would want to be spoken to. no baby talk, no beating round the bush. very clear conversation, no hidden agenda. i told her that i have made a lot of mistakes and as much as i would like to turn back time to make it all seem roses and peaches, i can't and so i live with it. i learn not to make them again (or at least i try). and i tell her so that she doesn't make the same mistakes i did.
we as parents want to give her things we never had but there is only so much we can do. for what we cannot, we should not feel guilty and neither should she feel deprived. we feel blessed and grateful for what we have. and what we don't have, if we aim for it and achieve it kudos. if not, maybe it's not meant to be.
one mistake parents make is (well at least i think all parents do) is to hold the child's hand and not wanting to let go. sometimes we have to. it's hard yes. but we just have to. they need to feel how it hurts to fall, to cry, to feel pain, to feel disappointed. cruel you say? i say that's life. only by going through these experiences themselves, will they learn. but i am not saying to completely let go and not care. keep an eye on them, from afar. when push comes to shove, reel them in with a tug or a hard yank.
the child must be able to distinguish when to be able to pull a fast one and when the parent means business. one rule i have told my kid when she was young enough to understand:
- if i call you by your pet name it's all games and fun;
- if i call you by your given name, it's all fun no games
- if i call you by your first two name, you may be in trouble but it's still alright
- if i call you by your full name (given name and family name), you better get you ass here on the double
and she knows when she can play the fool with me and when i mean business. we allow a certain degree of freedom to make her choices but do not abuse that trust and freedom. we always tell her to think things through before making informed choices and to bear responsibility for whatever decisions she has made.
well, its a long way to go with her. and i only pray for strength and ability to do what i can for her, to do the best.
excuse me while i get back up to my meditation atop the mountain to be at one with the world and myself.
but i have an eighteen year old going on nineteen and i seem to think that i have done a pretty decent job so far.
what's my secret? open communication with her. i speak to her as how i would want to be spoken to. no baby talk, no beating round the bush. very clear conversation, no hidden agenda. i told her that i have made a lot of mistakes and as much as i would like to turn back time to make it all seem roses and peaches, i can't and so i live with it. i learn not to make them again (or at least i try). and i tell her so that she doesn't make the same mistakes i did.
we as parents want to give her things we never had but there is only so much we can do. for what we cannot, we should not feel guilty and neither should she feel deprived. we feel blessed and grateful for what we have. and what we don't have, if we aim for it and achieve it kudos. if not, maybe it's not meant to be.
one mistake parents make is (well at least i think all parents do) is to hold the child's hand and not wanting to let go. sometimes we have to. it's hard yes. but we just have to. they need to feel how it hurts to fall, to cry, to feel pain, to feel disappointed. cruel you say? i say that's life. only by going through these experiences themselves, will they learn. but i am not saying to completely let go and not care. keep an eye on them, from afar. when push comes to shove, reel them in with a tug or a hard yank.
the child must be able to distinguish when to be able to pull a fast one and when the parent means business. one rule i have told my kid when she was young enough to understand:
- if i call you by your pet name it's all games and fun;
- if i call you by your given name, it's all fun no games
- if i call you by your first two name, you may be in trouble but it's still alright
- if i call you by your full name (given name and family name), you better get you ass here on the double
and she knows when she can play the fool with me and when i mean business. we allow a certain degree of freedom to make her choices but do not abuse that trust and freedom. we always tell her to think things through before making informed choices and to bear responsibility for whatever decisions she has made.
well, its a long way to go with her. and i only pray for strength and ability to do what i can for her, to do the best.
excuse me while i get back up to my meditation atop the mountain to be at one with the world and myself.
20120919
true story - a friend with a 13 year old son has a girlfriend of the same age who is being pressured to have sex. mom found out. freaked out. screamed at the dad. dad is at loss on what to do.
solutions he came up with:
- take away his mobile so that he doesn't have contact with the outside world. phones and pre-paid lines are a dime a dozen these days.
- lecture the son. seriously, will it do any good
- tell the girl's parents. and then what? there'll be others
my husband's advise was for him to talk to his son. to make him understand what sex is, what happens and what can result from that. the friend is reluctant but is there any other way to tackle this issue.
with kids these days, the 'because i said so' and 'my word is law' doesn't work.
solutions he came up with:
- take away his mobile so that he doesn't have contact with the outside world. phones and pre-paid lines are a dime a dozen these days.
- lecture the son. seriously, will it do any good
- tell the girl's parents. and then what? there'll be others
my husband's advise was for him to talk to his son. to make him understand what sex is, what happens and what can result from that. the friend is reluctant but is there any other way to tackle this issue.
with kids these days, the 'because i said so' and 'my word is law' doesn't work.
20120726
to help or not to help
of late, there have one too many features in the media about abduction, snatch theft - primarily against women. is our country becoming unsafe as society becomes more modern, urban and too pre-occupied in running the rat race?
it scares the hell out of me when it seems that it's no longer safe to do your groceries at the local supermarket or wherever it is we do our groceries. parking lots have become unsafe, someone just lurking in the corner waiting to pounce and harm an unwilling victim. and now that the daughter is driving to college on her own, i am endlessly worried and will only heave a sigh of relief when i get the message from her saying that she's home safe and sound.
what's worse, i recently read two articles of these crimes happening at the place where i work. so what has become of the human race? what is happening?
and in most instances, the victim says they shout for help but no one came to their rescue. sad much? yes, very much so. but when you stop to think about it, there have been horror stories about how one good samaritan stops to help only to be duped and robbed. like the saying goes "buat pun salah, tak buat pun salah".
so what do we do really?
it scares the hell out of me when it seems that it's no longer safe to do your groceries at the local supermarket or wherever it is we do our groceries. parking lots have become unsafe, someone just lurking in the corner waiting to pounce and harm an unwilling victim. and now that the daughter is driving to college on her own, i am endlessly worried and will only heave a sigh of relief when i get the message from her saying that she's home safe and sound.
what's worse, i recently read two articles of these crimes happening at the place where i work. so what has become of the human race? what is happening?
and in most instances, the victim says they shout for help but no one came to their rescue. sad much? yes, very much so. but when you stop to think about it, there have been horror stories about how one good samaritan stops to help only to be duped and robbed. like the saying goes "buat pun salah, tak buat pun salah".
so what do we do really?
20120426
20120417
Mission. Possible
Scenarios in the boss' office:
First, there is a letter to the President of a huge corporation but it's in Bahasa Malaysia. The boss wants me to translate it to English. I tell him my translation skills suck. He says "It's okay, I'll do it."
Then, I want him to sign my leave application form. He tells me "Why don't you take leave when I am traveling? These two days that you want to go on leave, I am still in the country." I tell him this "On the 20th, you will be in Penang, on the 23rd, you don't need to come to the office lah since I am not in..." He laughs and goes "Oh ok..."
See, that wasn't so hard....
20120131
etched forever...
Just over the weekend, the hubby & I met up with some friends for coffee. A friend brought his two year old tot. A handful she was, living proof that terrible two is not just a myth..
Then the hubby and I were talking about the tiny terror and I was saying that at that age, they have to be taught a lot of things. And I remarked on how our daughter was at that age.. the potty training, the disciplining, the diva attitude (her, not me). And he asked me "Who mean you can remember each one of it?". My reply to him a was simply "Of course."
It was not easy, trust you me but each milestone regardless of the tears (either laughing till I cried or simply out of frustration & sorrow), it will always be something I will remember. Always.
I made a huge decision by being a full time stay home mom when I had her. Years later (well seven to be exact), when she went to school only then I rejoined the work-force. Yes, and after years of not being at work - I had to start from the bottom again. Office what? Excel what? Power Point what? All the tech lingo sounded foreign to me. Thinking back, if I had not quit to be a mommy, what would I have achieved. Did I regret it? Yeah maybe once when I realized that my friends were already at the top of the corporate ladder and there I was trying to learn the ropes again.
But it soon got the better of me & I virtually gave myself a smack (you didn't think I would physically slap myself, did you? geez). I have been there for her every milestone - her first tooth (well that one the daddy felt it more than I did), her first word (not mama or dada sadly), her first and many tantrums, her first 'run' (nope, skipped the walking entirely) and so many more firsts... And I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
Every precious moment of her growing up, I will remember till the day I take my last breath.
20111208
things i have learnt....
I’ve learned that...
..you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
..no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.
..it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it.
..no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
..it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
..you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.
..you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.
..you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.
..you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
..you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
..you can keep going long after you can’t.
..we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
..either you control your attitude or it controls you.
..regardless of how hot & steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades & there had better be something else to take its place.
..heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
..money is a lousy way of keeping score.
..my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
..sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.
..true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
..just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
..maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
..it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.
..no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
..our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
..a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.
..just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
..we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
..you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
..two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
..no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
..even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
..credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
..the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
..it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.
..people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did but people will never forget how you made them feel.
20111130
letting go
thirteen years of him irritating us (and vice versa), greeting us at the door when we got back from work or school, thirteen years of feeding him at the hint of a meow...
furball mika, we will miss you dearly....may you rest in peace
20111120
twenty three years on...
the sixth formers of '87/88 met up again two years later...this time we had the pleasure of the presence of our teachers & guest of honor was our principal, whom i would fondly refer to as mr. c...
didn't know what to expect.. would they remember us? would we remember them? well of all the teachers who came, only one taught my class. it was kinda embarrassing when all of us who were seated at one table who were from the same class (all the grand nine & one castaway of us) could not for the life of us remember what subject he taught us.. "sejarah melayu lah"... "no lah maths lah"... "we had sejarah melayu???" went round and round and round and yet we were none the wiser. so we said "you know what, why don't we just ask him?"...we did, and the horror!! he didn't remember teaching our class... ah well twenty three years on...must be the age factor... or that we weren't paying attention..all ten of us. surprisingly none of the smart asses from our class attended, i wonder why... i bet they would have remembered.
so anyways, moi was fashionably late. late. yes. fashionably. well i'd like to think so. ahaks!! i have no shame... and the evening started (really guys, you didn't have to wait for me you know). ahahahahahhaha... started off with the ice breaker..weird one that was. for a minute there i swore he was showing some pg13 or pg42 porn for the uninitiated... [note to self : when trying to avoid boring ice breaker sessions, use loo at the most bottom floor at the hotel on the other side of the street]. but all in all, it wasn't so bad. we survived. mr. c reminisced on how he ended up in the school and what he had to go through to turn the school around.
you know how they say time flies when you're having fun. well i must say, that two years in that school was the best time of my life -carefree, no worries in the world save for exams & it went by so fast that before you know it, twenty three years on it's a sense of deja vu when we seem them familiar faces, the familiar names. everyone spent the evening exchanging stories & having a good laugh.. it was a simple, yet beautiful event. we were just so comfortable with each other and it's like we never left school. all that was missing were us in uniforms, the infamous mr. c's canes and the pond that had us all curious on what was in it.
we are glad that we had the opportunity to show our gratitude to the educators who played a part in making us who we are - the persons we have become today, successful in our own right. we have only but a simple thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
so at the end of it all, it turned out great. lets not wait for the next twenty three years.
20111108
nice...
42 caught up with me yesterday... got a whole load of messages sending wishes and greetings and all things good. felt nice. if i got it because i have a special place in their life, i am glad. if i got it cos facebook sent them a reminder...well that's nice too.
started the day with a nice brunch with the family. what a perfect way to start. then the hubby bought me a present. love it...
today i receive a mail from my evil twin on how she made a donation in my name as my birthday gift to the national cancer society. never has a gift been more special. a gift of hope from the heart. i'm loving it so much....
friends like these are diamonds in the rough. i am so glad she has come into my life...
again - from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much to my evil twin. (yes the irony of it)
started the day with a nice brunch with the family. what a perfect way to start. then the hubby bought me a present. love it...
today i receive a mail from my evil twin on how she made a donation in my name as my birthday gift to the national cancer society. never has a gift been more special. a gift of hope from the heart. i'm loving it so much....
friends like these are diamonds in the rough. i am so glad she has come into my life...
again - from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much to my evil twin. (yes the irony of it)
20111028
over the hill...
Heard on the radio some time back that some women over 30 are not comfortable revealing their true age. Really?? I wonder why...
My 42nd birthday (yes 42 - you heard me loud and clear) is peeking from just round the corner & I am none the prouder to declare my true age. Would I change things or turn back time if I could? Nope.
Life begins at 30 or 40 or 50 - realistically, it is when you want it to begin. When you want to make good of it. Are you proud of or disappointed with what you have achieved or what you may have missed? Well I am proud of all that I have gone through..good or bad. My mantra - Everything happens for a reason. So good or bad, I take it in my stride. What didn't kill me made me stronger.
Would I want to go back being 20 or below 30? No way... I am happy with what I have become. More confident, mature (or so it seems) and having a blast at life. Why would I want to settle for anything less?
So there, I am over the hill and damn proud of it!!
My 42nd birthday (yes 42 - you heard me loud and clear) is peeking from just round the corner & I am none the prouder to declare my true age. Would I change things or turn back time if I could? Nope.
Life begins at 30 or 40 or 50 - realistically, it is when you want it to begin. When you want to make good of it. Are you proud of or disappointed with what you have achieved or what you may have missed? Well I am proud of all that I have gone through..good or bad. My mantra - Everything happens for a reason. So good or bad, I take it in my stride. What didn't kill me made me stronger.
Would I want to go back being 20 or below 30? No way... I am happy with what I have become. More confident, mature (or so it seems) and having a blast at life. Why would I want to settle for anything less?
So there, I am over the hill and damn proud of it!!
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