where do i begin...

it's day 3 since we put her in pcu. i have told her to leave it all in god's hands, to let him steer her journey. i have told her that i love her and that i am ready to let her go to the better place that is waiting for. i have told her that i want her to suffer no more and i am ready to say my final goodbye. it pains me to say it but say it i must....

but somehow she's holding something back. maybe she needs to hear my mom say that she too is ready to lose a child. no parent wants to bury their child. but god has decided such and so be it. qada & qadar as the muslims say. fate and faith....

so now the task of explaining to the mom has fallen on me. i am the youngest in the family of four but now i have been pushed involuntarily up to the front to make all the decisions and to do what is right for all. i've made decisions that some may disagree to but i know deep in my heart that all that i have decided i am putting my dying sister's interest at heart. i do this for her not for all of us. i cannot be selfish and they shouldn't be too. if this makes me the black sheep in the family, this makes me a bad person - so be it.

so how do i do this? how do i tell my mom that she has to let go of her eldest daughter so that her soul can be at peace. how do i tell my mom that she has to endure the torture of seeing her first borne is going back to her creator?

dear god, please give me the strength to do this....

i'm ready

it's almost a month now since we were given the news and it's been two weeks now since she's been home. she was doing all right up till last tuesday. she couldn't hold down any food. kept throwing up and has reduced to literally skin and bones.

it pains me to see her this way. she adamantly refuses to go back to the hospital for her own reasons. i have stopped begging her to. i have learnt to respect her wishes. but yesterday i insisted despite any protests that i think she may put up.

her body is failing her. her kidneys have failed yet again. do we want to intubate her and do a dialysis the doctors ask  us. no, we decided not to put her through the ordeal and pain anymore than she had already endured. it wouldn't save her life. it would just prolong the pain and suffering a little longer.

do we want them to be aggressive in their tests and administration in medical care. no, we declined politely. no more prodding, no more needles. enough of the agony of seeing her wince in pain every time they try to find a vein. she's left with nothing to poke the needles into anymore.

we opted for palliative care instead. whilst her body is failing her in stages and shutting down its functions, we have opted it to happen in the least amount of pain they can offer her and as comfortable as we can.

i love her with all my heart. it's hard for me. it's hard for the people who love and care for her. but i am ready to let her go. i am ready as i know she will be in a better place. i cry as i think about her and it hurts so bad that it has come to this.

but i must not be selfish in wanting to hold on to her. i must let go so that she suffers no more. yes, i am ready....

the grand scheme of thing called life

i don't consider myself to be a strictly pious religious person. i try to pray when it is asked of me, i try to fulfil the tenets that has been set out in the religion although i must confess that i at times, falter. i don't profess to be the perfect person. i am charitable at times. i try to be empathic. key word. try.

but i have always believed that things in life happen for a reason. throw at me good or bad, i always try to search for the silver lining. it may not reveal itself at that point of time but be patient enough, it will. i have always known and been responsible for whatever decision i make that it will work out in the end.

i have always believed that god has us all set in the grand scheme of life. i have always asked for the worst scenario so that i can prepare myself better when faced with it.

but what i am going through now, my family is going through now is one tough challenge that has me starting to question my beliefs. i am stopping myself before i question 'why god? why the suffering?'

he gives us good, he gives us the bad. we take the good and praise the almighty. when it comes to the bad, we blame him. but i am not blaming him. i believe that this too is a piece in the grand scheme of life.

a family member has been diagnosed with cancer and underwent a surgery to try to remove the growth recently. the procedure was not a success. she lost a lot of blood in the process so the doctors had to stop immediately to save her from the possibility of death on the operating table.

it's obvious isn't it. we are waiting for the inevitable. how much time do we have? we don't know. days? weeks? months? years? we'll take what we are given. we knew this was coming and i tried very hard to prepare for it. but now when reality kicks in and it is finally time to swallow the bitter pill, i am finding it very difficult to swallow.

i am trying with all my might to put on a brave front when i see her. but when i see her crying in pain as the doctors are trying to find her vein for blood transfusion, i rush away to a place where she can't see me to tremble in tears. i promised that i wouldn't do that not in front of her but i am only human after all.

the only comfort now i find is in the power of prayer and total submission to god. am i mean when i say i pray that he ends this suffering now? please dear god, let not the suffering prolong. just take her away.  i pray for the pain and suffering to go away. yet i want her for as long as i can. to make the most of whatever time i have left with her. i am also praying for a miracle. i am confused on how i want this puzzle to piece.

i am thankful for the rock in my life that is my husband. as i quietly let out my heartache and cry silently, he holds me close and just lets the tears flow. god only knows how my heart breaks every single minute i think of her and how i am trying to cry the pain away.

but i will remain strong, i will do all i can to make this one piece as beautiful as it can be in the grand scheme of thing called life. my sister's life. dear god, i surrender.....

the truth about friendship

i never believed in this bff stuff - best friends forever. can any two persons remain best friends forever? unless forever means a couple of years or when times are good. so i'll just stick with good or dear friends, thank you very much.

see there are three ladies who have been friends for quite a while. there's me and the other two, we'll just  call them a & b.

a & b have this 'weird' relationship. why weird? i don't know i suppose cos a finds it absolutely necessary to call or email b almost everyday to talk about stuff. family, work, kids, stuff. b is accommodating enough to listen to a. oh such patience. and they can argue about the silliest things. now a and i are also friends but she doesn't call me like how she does b. as a matter of fact, i haven't spoken to her in a very long long time. and if she does call me like how she does b and tells me every single detail of what she's eating or doing, i may probably tell her to eff off. do i really need to know all the irrelevant stuff

now b & i have a whole different level of friendship. we don't call each other every day. actually we only chat via gtalk. we don't have to spill out all the details, yet we know what the other means. i suppose we are on the same wave-length.

i have had friends who claim to be my bff but now have disappeared. i mean yeah they are still my friend on facebook and i get the occasional invite for the kids' birthday do or raya, but that's about it. so simply put, i really don't need friends like that. let's just leave them as sunshine friends.

i have only but  few friends whom i hold very dear to me. to them, they just need to know that i am always here for them if they need me. i don't need to be expressing my undying 'bff-ness' to them. i have been told that i am brutally honest. so i tell them, as a friend and one who cares for you, i will tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear. if you tell me you want my opinion, i will give it and it is entirely up to you to accept or otherwise. if you tell me you just need an ear, i will just listen and keep my mouth shut. not very complicated. and of my friends, i suppose i would expect the same             

thank you for the music

over the weekend, the daughter participated in her music school's music party. it's a  bi-annual event that the music school organizes to showcase the talents of their teachers and students.

this is the first time the daughter is participating. naturally, we were very eager to go watch her perform. as much as i wanted to watch her beat away at the drums, it was not her turn yet. so she ended up singing two songs.

it was really nice to see the kids of all ages, colors, nationalities and sizes singing their little hearts out. never mind they forgot the lyrics, or went off key or that they couldn't keep up with the tempo. they didn't care and neither did we. they had us clapping, singing, dancing along and cheering them on. and of course ooh-ing and ahh-ing at their cuteness. a couple of them maybe about seven or eight years old strumming or plucking away at the electric guitar. so much so that the guitar was as tall as them and them cuties had to sit and strum away. one held on to the chord for dear life the minute the straps were placed on her shoulder.

what was more important was they had a heck lot of fun, doing the shuffle, jumping away and not having a care in this world. the teachers were dancing with the students, the students were laughing at the teachers' antics. it was nice to see camaraderie between them. they even did the gangnam style dance and couldn't care less that the stage was overcrowded and was on the verge of collapse if they gangnam-ed any longer.

i have always said this to the daughter every time i drop her off be it at school, tuition, meeting up with her friends, work or music classes - have fun!! it is important that they learn to enjoy what they do and receive our support (morally, financially or however we can extend them). i have always been the number one supporter when the daughter wants to try something (not dangerous of course). learn the guitar? check and quit (maybe she'll re-learn it who knows). learn the drums? check. learn the piano? check

so because they see this as an opportunity to have fun with their friends and teachers, they are brave to go up there and do what they love doing.  and through this, they can spread cheer; as i am asking the daughter and her friends to provide entertainment at a year end party at a charity event for some orphans.

meanwhile, here's a video of the daughter and her friend having fun...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=LlSDmigzrjg

parenting for dummies

a friend wants parenting tips from me. kinda weird. makes it seem like i have walked the earth for an eternity and like the wise old woman sitting atop some mountain at peace and one with myself. which in reality is far from it. very very very distantly far....

but i have an eighteen year old going on nineteen and i seem to think that i have done a pretty decent job so far.

what's my secret? open communication with her. i speak to her as how i would want to be spoken to. no baby talk, no beating round the bush. very clear conversation, no hidden agenda. i told her that i have made a lot of mistakes and as much as i would like to turn back time to make it all seem roses and peaches, i can't and so i live with it. i learn not to make them again (or at least i try). and i tell her so that she doesn't make the same mistakes i did.

we as parents want to give her things we never had but there is only so much we can do. for what we cannot, we should not feel guilty and neither should she feel deprived. we feel blessed and grateful for what we have. and what we don't have, if we aim for it and achieve it kudos. if not, maybe it's not meant to be.

one mistake parents make is (well at least i think all parents do) is to hold the child's hand and not wanting to let go. sometimes we have to. it's hard yes. but we just have to. they need to feel how it hurts to fall, to cry, to feel pain, to feel disappointed. cruel you say? i say that's life. only by going through these experiences themselves, will they learn. but i am not saying to completely let go and not care. keep an eye on them, from afar. when push comes to shove, reel them in with a tug or a hard yank.

the child must be able to distinguish when to be able to pull a fast one and when the parent means business. one rule i have told my kid when she was young enough to understand:

- if i call you by your pet name it's all games and fun;
- if i call you by your given name, it's all fun no games
- if i call you by your first two name, you may be in trouble but it's still alright
- if i call you by your full name (given name and family name), you better get you ass here on the double

and she knows when she can play the fool with me and when i mean business. we allow a certain degree of freedom to make her choices but do not abuse that trust and freedom. we always tell her to think things through before making informed choices and to bear responsibility for whatever decisions she has made.

well, its a long way to go with her. and i only pray for strength and ability to do what i can for her, to do the best.

excuse me while i get back up to my meditation atop the mountain to be at one with the world and myself.

true story - a friend with a 13 year old son has a girlfriend of the same age who is being pressured to have sex. mom found out. freaked out. screamed at the dad. dad is at loss on what to do.

solutions he came up with:

- take away his mobile so that he doesn't have contact with the outside world. phones and pre-paid lines are a dime a dozen these days.

- lecture the son. seriously, will it do any good

- tell the girl's parents. and then what? there'll be others

my husband's advise was for him to talk to his son. to make him understand what sex is, what happens and what can result from that. the friend is reluctant but is there any other way to tackle this issue.

with kids these days, the 'because i said so' and 'my word is law' doesn't work.