no matter how much time you give yourself to prepare, and you mentally psyche yourself for it - when the time comes, you have a lump in your throat. all defense crumble and you become a total mess. in the last couple of years, twice i went through this phase....
once,when my sister was diagnosed with a terminal ailment. the limited time we had with her, i had to put up a brave front every time i saw her. i had to be strong for her, i had to be strong for the rest of the family. even when she passed on and during her wake, i kept the strong front. but on the actual day when i knew that she was being laid to rest, i lost it. but i wept silently, still putting up that brave front. i was sad, i was down but i didn't show it...but when i came home after the funeral, in the solace of my own home and in the arms of my husband, i let it all out. i cried for the many months that i held in it. my heart broke into a thousand pieces. it literally felt like someone took a stake and stabbed me through it. it felt horrible but i let myself grief and mourn the loss. the hubby was very understanding, he gave me the time i needed. he let me cry to my hearts content...time will heal they say. heal it did, but every now and then when i think of her, i shed a silent tear.
then came my daughter. we always knew she wanted to further her studies in another country. for years we told ourselves, there would come a time she would leave the nest to pursue her dreams. when she graduated from college, she gave us a whole year. when she left us last week to start a new chapter in her life, again i put up that brave strong front. at the airport when we waved her off, we made it quick and she kissed, hugged and said her goodbyes. the drive home was in silence. and again in the solace of my home, i became a total wreck again. the heart that was earlier broken into a thousand pieces that was being patched up again very slowly broke into a million pieces. it hurt so bad. the mere mention of her name made me cry buckets. passing her room and seeing her stuff still on her bed, meant more tears. the sudden impulse of wanting to call out for her wrecked me hopeless...
it's a little more than a week now. she has settled in, completed her orientation and has already begun her classes. a quick call, a short message is all it takes to put a smile on my face. i don't cry as much anymore but i still miss her terribly.
it never gets easy. time will heal.. again i'm told. i'm waiting....
20150303
20150223
while i was away
two years since my last post, well give and take a few months...the daughter graduated college and is embarking on a new adventure.
the daughter went to college and complete her a-levels with satisfactory results. good enough to get her a place in sydney university. the journey however from her completing her college education right up to being accepted wasn't an easy one.
she is very determined and we have always trusted her to make her own informed decisions. she was taught to do her research, weigh the pros and cons before she decided on anything. based on facts on not pluck-from-the-sky or i-heard-someone-say basis.
initially we had decided on perth as we had friends who would have been more than glad to 'adopt' her. we made a trip to perth to take a look at the possible universities that she would want to enrol into. to cut a long story short, she initially applied to murdoch and university of western australia. she got accepted into both but she was more keen on murdoch. timing issues resulted her not being able to start mid-2014 so she applied for a deferment from uwa, to which they agreed.
but then she confided in me that she applied to uwa just to prove a point. see, during an open day at the college - she approached the uwa booth to inquire about applying for a place in the university for psychology. seems the spokesperson told her that the requirements were very high and kind of implied that the daughter was not good enough to get a place. just because she wanted to give herself the satisfaction, she applied and surprisingly, uwa was the first uni to accept her. she wished she had taken the lady's email or number just so she could go 'hah! in your face..'
and in her decision to defer her studies to march 2015, there were some disagreements between the daughter and the hubby. some not so nice words were exchanged and things got out of hand. i was caught in the middle and i had the final say on whether she should just accept uwa or go ahead to defer. torn between the two, i had to make a decision. one person would be happy and the other person, well not so...oh wow, no pressure really...
anyways, after a long spell of cold shoulder and non-verbal communications and a lot of animosity, i decided enough was enough. i sat both of them down and told them to resolve it for once and for all. anyways, the dad managed to come to terms about how determined the daughter can be and the daughter came to terms that the dad can be conservative but can listen to reason if you just talk to him in a calm tone.
in her decision to defer, she asked for permission to apply to another three universities in sydney. we agreed that perhaps these universities were better albeit a bit more expensive. she did and got accepted into one of the premier unis in australia. then again she may have been wanting to secretly prove a point to her dad of her capabilities. regardless, we were very happy that she got accepted. and so damn proud of her.
and the preparation begins.....
the daughter went to college and complete her a-levels with satisfactory results. good enough to get her a place in sydney university. the journey however from her completing her college education right up to being accepted wasn't an easy one.
she is very determined and we have always trusted her to make her own informed decisions. she was taught to do her research, weigh the pros and cons before she decided on anything. based on facts on not pluck-from-the-sky or i-heard-someone-say basis.
initially we had decided on perth as we had friends who would have been more than glad to 'adopt' her. we made a trip to perth to take a look at the possible universities that she would want to enrol into. to cut a long story short, she initially applied to murdoch and university of western australia. she got accepted into both but she was more keen on murdoch. timing issues resulted her not being able to start mid-2014 so she applied for a deferment from uwa, to which they agreed.
but then she confided in me that she applied to uwa just to prove a point. see, during an open day at the college - she approached the uwa booth to inquire about applying for a place in the university for psychology. seems the spokesperson told her that the requirements were very high and kind of implied that the daughter was not good enough to get a place. just because she wanted to give herself the satisfaction, she applied and surprisingly, uwa was the first uni to accept her. she wished she had taken the lady's email or number just so she could go 'hah! in your face..'
and in her decision to defer her studies to march 2015, there were some disagreements between the daughter and the hubby. some not so nice words were exchanged and things got out of hand. i was caught in the middle and i had the final say on whether she should just accept uwa or go ahead to defer. torn between the two, i had to make a decision. one person would be happy and the other person, well not so...oh wow, no pressure really...
anyways, after a long spell of cold shoulder and non-verbal communications and a lot of animosity, i decided enough was enough. i sat both of them down and told them to resolve it for once and for all. anyways, the dad managed to come to terms about how determined the daughter can be and the daughter came to terms that the dad can be conservative but can listen to reason if you just talk to him in a calm tone.
in her decision to defer, she asked for permission to apply to another three universities in sydney. we agreed that perhaps these universities were better albeit a bit more expensive. she did and got accepted into one of the premier unis in australia. then again she may have been wanting to secretly prove a point to her dad of her capabilities. regardless, we were very happy that she got accepted. and so damn proud of her.
and the preparation begins.....
my thoughts, my experiences
for a minute there, i thought this blog was already non-existent. probably gone missing in cyberspace. in a recent watsapp conversation with a friend where i was telling her on the latest happenings in my life - she asked why i had stopped blogging. i told her that i had run out of ideas. it's the age thing, life becomes uninteresting and routine after a while.
then she tells me, that i should blog about my experiences as a mother. although i do not profess to be a know-it-all about raising a child, she seems to think my advise and past experiences matters. i guess i should be flattered.
so anyways...it's now gonna be memoirs of a mother. to each their own, i say. if you find my way works, good for you and i am happy to share. if it doesn't well there was the disclaimer that i am no expert....
so i should start memoir-ing (no such word maybe??) soon....
then she tells me, that i should blog about my experiences as a mother. although i do not profess to be a know-it-all about raising a child, she seems to think my advise and past experiences matters. i guess i should be flattered.
so anyways...it's now gonna be memoirs of a mother. to each their own, i say. if you find my way works, good for you and i am happy to share. if it doesn't well there was the disclaimer that i am no expert....
so i should start memoir-ing (no such word maybe??) soon....
20131101
adieu ma sœur chérie
she has left us. on the twenty ninth day of october at five fifteen in the evening, she breathed her last. god was merciful enough to make her final breath quick. she's in a better place now. where she can suffer no more, feel pain no more, groan in agony no more.
the funeral was the next day. we decided to cremate and bury the ashes in the grave where my late dad was laid to rest. the burial of the urn which holds her ashes will be done next weekend. it will be another heartbreaking moment as we lay her to rest finally.
it was a roller coaster emotional journey. from the time we found out about her condition till the very moment we said our final goodbyes to her physical being. we sat by her as she lay unconscious. we stood by her as she winced in pain as the doctors prodded and poked her. helpless, deep down we could only cry. putting up a brave front in her presence, all guards were let down and the tears flowed when we were alone. we cried for being helpless, we cried for her pain. if only there was something we could do....if only...remains...
i was asked to do the eulogy. what do i say? will i be overcome by grief and emotions...this was my tribute to her...
someone once told me 'cancer gives us time'. how much time, no one knows exactly. what we choose to do or not do, who's to say and judge. irene chose to fight and fight she did. from outside peeking into the window of her life, i now know how very strong she was. the medical procedures, enduring it and living it; she persevered. she never gave up till she breathed her last. i have always known her to be quiet, gentle, submissive but beneath all that, deep down was a fighter. and i thank her for putting up a fight. i thank her for all that she has done, for all that she has sacrificed. i thank her for fighting to give us the time we needed. it wasn't an easy journey for the family. but she brought out the best in us. we stood by one another, putting aside our differences; and did it all for her. because we love her. we love her as a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, a friend. whatever we did, we did it for her. and on behalf of her and my family, i can only express my heartfelt gratitude to all who have helped us. yes, i shed a silent tear for the fact that i have lost a beloved sister. but i rejoice in the knowledge that god loves her more and has taken her back to his fold.
this day, as i sit here looking up to the sky
i ask myself why
how you have suffered for so long
until the moment you went home to where you belong
i have cried and prayed for this day to come
so that it would get over and be done
the memories of us, i will always cherish
you fought every day, you fought every night
you left this world with dignity and grace
forever in our hearts, you will have a huge place
i miss you che (sister), i love you will all my heart
your pain and suffering is no more
you are now resting in peace
the heart aches, the tears flow
it's hard to do but we must let go
thank you god for you love her so
the pain the suffering, she feels no more
i thank god for the wonderful gift he had given us in her. i thank god for all the times we had with her, good and bad. i thank god for allowing me, gifting me the time, patience and the strength to walk with her this journey. i thank god for all the support and help given to us by friends and family. i thank god for my wonderful sister roseline who gave her all unselfishly to care my dying sister. despite all the shortcomings, despite all the dysfunction - i praise and thank god.
they say time will heal....it will. someday. but now, i am missing her. terribly. the grieving process. it sucks. it feels like shit. the emptiness. but we must allow ourselves this. the moment to mourn her passing. that we have lost someone so dear to us.
she will be loved. for now and always till kingdom come. rest in peace and goodbye my darling sister...
the funeral was the next day. we decided to cremate and bury the ashes in the grave where my late dad was laid to rest. the burial of the urn which holds her ashes will be done next weekend. it will be another heartbreaking moment as we lay her to rest finally.
it was a roller coaster emotional journey. from the time we found out about her condition till the very moment we said our final goodbyes to her physical being. we sat by her as she lay unconscious. we stood by her as she winced in pain as the doctors prodded and poked her. helpless, deep down we could only cry. putting up a brave front in her presence, all guards were let down and the tears flowed when we were alone. we cried for being helpless, we cried for her pain. if only there was something we could do....if only...remains...
i was asked to do the eulogy. what do i say? will i be overcome by grief and emotions...this was my tribute to her...
someone once told me 'cancer gives us time'. how much time, no one knows exactly. what we choose to do or not do, who's to say and judge. irene chose to fight and fight she did. from outside peeking into the window of her life, i now know how very strong she was. the medical procedures, enduring it and living it; she persevered. she never gave up till she breathed her last. i have always known her to be quiet, gentle, submissive but beneath all that, deep down was a fighter. and i thank her for putting up a fight. i thank her for all that she has done, for all that she has sacrificed. i thank her for fighting to give us the time we needed. it wasn't an easy journey for the family. but she brought out the best in us. we stood by one another, putting aside our differences; and did it all for her. because we love her. we love her as a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, a friend. whatever we did, we did it for her. and on behalf of her and my family, i can only express my heartfelt gratitude to all who have helped us. yes, i shed a silent tear for the fact that i have lost a beloved sister. but i rejoice in the knowledge that god loves her more and has taken her back to his fold.
this day, as i sit here looking up to the sky
i ask myself why
how you have suffered for so long
until the moment you went home to where you belong
i have cried and prayed for this day to come
so that it would get over and be done
the memories of us, i will always cherish
you fought every day, you fought every night
you left this world with dignity and grace
forever in our hearts, you will have a huge place
i miss you che (sister), i love you will all my heart
your pain and suffering is no more
you are now resting in peace
the heart aches, the tears flow
it's hard to do but we must let go
thank you god for you love her so
the pain the suffering, she feels no more
i thank god for the wonderful gift he had given us in her. i thank god for all the times we had with her, good and bad. i thank god for allowing me, gifting me the time, patience and the strength to walk with her this journey. i thank god for all the support and help given to us by friends and family. i thank god for my wonderful sister roseline who gave her all unselfishly to care my dying sister. despite all the shortcomings, despite all the dysfunction - i praise and thank god.
they say time will heal....it will. someday. but now, i am missing her. terribly. the grieving process. it sucks. it feels like shit. the emptiness. but we must allow ourselves this. the moment to mourn her passing. that we have lost someone so dear to us.
she will be loved. for now and always till kingdom come. rest in peace and goodbye my darling sister...
20130925
where do i begin...
it's day 3 since we put her in pcu. i have told her to leave it all in god's hands, to let him steer her journey. i have told her that i love her and that i am ready to let her go to the better place that is waiting for. i have told her that i want her to suffer no more and i am ready to say my final goodbye. it pains me to say it but say it i must....
but somehow she's holding something back. maybe she needs to hear my mom say that she too is ready to lose a child. no parent wants to bury their child. but god has decided such and so be it. qada & qadar as the muslims say. fate and faith....
so now the task of explaining to the mom has fallen on me. i am the youngest in the family of four but now i have been pushed involuntarily up to the front to make all the decisions and to do what is right for all. i've made decisions that some may disagree to but i know deep in my heart that all that i have decided i am putting my dying sister's interest at heart. i do this for her not for all of us. i cannot be selfish and they shouldn't be too. if this makes me the black sheep in the family, this makes me a bad person - so be it.
so how do i do this? how do i tell my mom that she has to let go of her eldest daughter so that her soul can be at peace. how do i tell my mom that she has to endure the torture of seeing her first borne is going back to her creator?
dear god, please give me the strength to do this....
but somehow she's holding something back. maybe she needs to hear my mom say that she too is ready to lose a child. no parent wants to bury their child. but god has decided such and so be it. qada & qadar as the muslims say. fate and faith....
so now the task of explaining to the mom has fallen on me. i am the youngest in the family of four but now i have been pushed involuntarily up to the front to make all the decisions and to do what is right for all. i've made decisions that some may disagree to but i know deep in my heart that all that i have decided i am putting my dying sister's interest at heart. i do this for her not for all of us. i cannot be selfish and they shouldn't be too. if this makes me the black sheep in the family, this makes me a bad person - so be it.
so how do i do this? how do i tell my mom that she has to let go of her eldest daughter so that her soul can be at peace. how do i tell my mom that she has to endure the torture of seeing her first borne is going back to her creator?
dear god, please give me the strength to do this....
20130924
i'm ready
it's almost a month now since we were given the news and it's been two weeks now since she's been home. she was doing all right up till last tuesday. she couldn't hold down any food. kept throwing up and has reduced to literally skin and bones.
it pains me to see her this way. she adamantly refuses to go back to the hospital for her own reasons. i have stopped begging her to. i have learnt to respect her wishes. but yesterday i insisted despite any protests that i think she may put up.
her body is failing her. her kidneys have failed yet again. do we want to intubate her and do a dialysis the doctors ask us. no, we decided not to put her through the ordeal and pain anymore than she had already endured. it wouldn't save her life. it would just prolong the pain and suffering a little longer.
do we want them to be aggressive in their tests and administration in medical care. no, we declined politely. no more prodding, no more needles. enough of the agony of seeing her wince in pain every time they try to find a vein. she's left with nothing to poke the needles into anymore.
we opted for palliative care instead. whilst her body is failing her in stages and shutting down its functions, we have opted it to happen in the least amount of pain they can offer her and as comfortable as we can.
i love her with all my heart. it's hard for me. it's hard for the people who love and care for her. but i am ready to let her go. i am ready as i know she will be in a better place. i cry as i think about her and it hurts so bad that it has come to this.
but i must not be selfish in wanting to hold on to her. i must let go so that she suffers no more. yes, i am ready....
it pains me to see her this way. she adamantly refuses to go back to the hospital for her own reasons. i have stopped begging her to. i have learnt to respect her wishes. but yesterday i insisted despite any protests that i think she may put up.
her body is failing her. her kidneys have failed yet again. do we want to intubate her and do a dialysis the doctors ask us. no, we decided not to put her through the ordeal and pain anymore than she had already endured. it wouldn't save her life. it would just prolong the pain and suffering a little longer.
do we want them to be aggressive in their tests and administration in medical care. no, we declined politely. no more prodding, no more needles. enough of the agony of seeing her wince in pain every time they try to find a vein. she's left with nothing to poke the needles into anymore.
we opted for palliative care instead. whilst her body is failing her in stages and shutting down its functions, we have opted it to happen in the least amount of pain they can offer her and as comfortable as we can.
i love her with all my heart. it's hard for me. it's hard for the people who love and care for her. but i am ready to let her go. i am ready as i know she will be in a better place. i cry as i think about her and it hurts so bad that it has come to this.
but i must not be selfish in wanting to hold on to her. i must let go so that she suffers no more. yes, i am ready....
20130829
the grand scheme of thing called life
i don't consider myself to be a strictly pious religious person. i try to pray when it is asked of me, i try to fulfil the tenets that has been set out in the religion although i must confess that i at times, falter. i don't profess to be the perfect person. i am charitable at times. i try to be empathic. key word. try.
but i have always believed that things in life happen for a reason. throw at me good or bad, i always try to search for the silver lining. it may not reveal itself at that point of time but be patient enough, it will. i have always known and been responsible for whatever decision i make that it will work out in the end.
i have always believed that god has us all set in the grand scheme of life. i have always asked for the worst scenario so that i can prepare myself better when faced with it.
but what i am going through now, my family is going through now is one tough challenge that has me starting to question my beliefs. i am stopping myself before i question 'why god? why the suffering?'
he gives us good, he gives us the bad. we take the good and praise the almighty. when it comes to the bad, we blame him. but i am not blaming him. i believe that this too is a piece in the grand scheme of life.
a family member has been diagnosed with cancer and underwent a surgery to try to remove the growth recently. the procedure was not a success. she lost a lot of blood in the process so the doctors had to stop immediately to save her from the possibility of death on the operating table.
it's obvious isn't it. we are waiting for the inevitable. how much time do we have? we don't know. days? weeks? months? years? we'll take what we are given. we knew this was coming and i tried very hard to prepare for it. but now when reality kicks in and it is finally time to swallow the bitter pill, i am finding it very difficult to swallow.
i am trying with all my might to put on a brave front when i see her. but when i see her crying in pain as the doctors are trying to find her vein for blood transfusion, i rush away to a place where she can't see me to tremble in tears. i promised that i wouldn't do that not in front of her but i am only human after all.
the only comfort now i find is in the power of prayer and total submission to god. am i mean when i say i pray that he ends this suffering now? please dear god, let not the suffering prolong. just take her away. i pray for the pain and suffering to go away. yet i want her for as long as i can. to make the most of whatever time i have left with her. i am also praying for a miracle. i am confused on how i want this puzzle to piece.
i am thankful for the rock in my life that is my husband. as i quietly let out my heartache and cry silently, he holds me close and just lets the tears flow. god only knows how my heart breaks every single minute i think of her and how i am trying to cry the pain away.
but i will remain strong, i will do all i can to make this one piece as beautiful as it can be in the grand scheme of thing called life. my sister's life. dear god, i surrender.....
but i have always believed that things in life happen for a reason. throw at me good or bad, i always try to search for the silver lining. it may not reveal itself at that point of time but be patient enough, it will. i have always known and been responsible for whatever decision i make that it will work out in the end.
i have always believed that god has us all set in the grand scheme of life. i have always asked for the worst scenario so that i can prepare myself better when faced with it.
but what i am going through now, my family is going through now is one tough challenge that has me starting to question my beliefs. i am stopping myself before i question 'why god? why the suffering?'
he gives us good, he gives us the bad. we take the good and praise the almighty. when it comes to the bad, we blame him. but i am not blaming him. i believe that this too is a piece in the grand scheme of life.
a family member has been diagnosed with cancer and underwent a surgery to try to remove the growth recently. the procedure was not a success. she lost a lot of blood in the process so the doctors had to stop immediately to save her from the possibility of death on the operating table.
it's obvious isn't it. we are waiting for the inevitable. how much time do we have? we don't know. days? weeks? months? years? we'll take what we are given. we knew this was coming and i tried very hard to prepare for it. but now when reality kicks in and it is finally time to swallow the bitter pill, i am finding it very difficult to swallow.
i am trying with all my might to put on a brave front when i see her. but when i see her crying in pain as the doctors are trying to find her vein for blood transfusion, i rush away to a place where she can't see me to tremble in tears. i promised that i wouldn't do that not in front of her but i am only human after all.
the only comfort now i find is in the power of prayer and total submission to god. am i mean when i say i pray that he ends this suffering now? please dear god, let not the suffering prolong. just take her away. i pray for the pain and suffering to go away. yet i want her for as long as i can. to make the most of whatever time i have left with her. i am also praying for a miracle. i am confused on how i want this puzzle to piece.
i am thankful for the rock in my life that is my husband. as i quietly let out my heartache and cry silently, he holds me close and just lets the tears flow. god only knows how my heart breaks every single minute i think of her and how i am trying to cry the pain away.
but i will remain strong, i will do all i can to make this one piece as beautiful as it can be in the grand scheme of thing called life. my sister's life. dear god, i surrender.....
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